Without Thinking
by Tan-is-a-fan
Summary: A RoryJess standalone fic set right after that heartbreaking fight at the end of 'Last week's fights, this week's tights'. Rory decides not to let it end this way...


_**Without Thinking**_

_Rating: PG (childproofed, like the show ;))_

_Pairing: Rory/Jess_

_Feedback: will be printed out and nuzzled to pieces!_

_Archive: Want, take, have. Just send me the link so I can rejoice ;)._

_Disclaimer: none of this belongs to me and no money is made from it, I just play with them._

_Info: Starts right after the ending to 'Last week's fights, this week's tights', starting from the premise: 'what if the Rory/Jess fight had ended differently?'._

_A/N: This is my first GG fic and I don't read GG fics either, so I don't know how many times this has been done! I started writing right after I watched ep 4x21. The whole Rory/Jess fight near the end tugged at my heart strings and my muse agreed to help me soothe it. Bear with me, for this shall be sappy to no end._

His footsteps echoed through the dark hallways, she could hear him walk out of her life as she sat there, crying in the dorm room that was now almost completely empty.

"Jess, wait!" she yelled as she ran to the door. Pausing in the doorway, she watched him walk away, his bag swung over his shoulder.

"What?" he replied with a tired sigh and turned around. He looked at Rory as she stood there in front of him, the wooden framework of the door like a portrait frame.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?" Her jaw was clenched in anger but her voice was cracking and he could see tears welling up in her eyes.

"Rory, you've made it pretty clear you don't want me around, so I'm gonna take off and pretend this whole thing just now never happened…" he said, trying to sound casual and together.

"God, that's your solution to everything, isn't it!" she exclaimed angrily. "You left, Jess. I was your girlfriend and you didn't even have the decency to say goodbye! And then," she went on, her voice high-pitched, "when I finally got you out of my system, you appear out of thin air, tell me you love me, get in your car and drive off!"

She was positively yelling now and she knew it, but she didn't care. It hit her very briefly that she was really lucky that finals were over and that everyone in her dorm had gone home and she was the only one left – at least she hoped she was. Tears started streaming down her face but she wasn't crying. In an angry movement she wiped her cheeks clean with her sleeve and sought support against the frame of the door.

"I deserved better than that, Jess. I deserved so much better…" she said softly, her jaw set.

For a moment, Jess just looked at her pensively. As usual she had no idea what he was thinking, Rory thought bitterly. Then, as if he couldn't contain himself any longer, he dropped his bag to the floor of the empty hallway, walked back up to her and took her in his arms.

For a while, Rory just stood there, her sobs echoing quietly through the deserted corridors, while Jess softly stroked her hair.

"You're right, you do," he breathed softly into her ear. "I'm sorry I hurt you Rory, I promise I'll do better this time."

Rory pulled back as if she'd been stung by a bee. "No!" she said, her jaw clenched again, "No, you're not gonna do this to me again! I've moved on with my life, why don't you go and do the same?" she said, her voice high-pitched and louder than she had intended.

Jess took a step back and shot her one of his patented angry looks, but mostly because he was surprised and didn't know how to handle it. He didn't think he'd ever seen her this angry before.

"Jesus, Rory, what do you want from me?" he spat. "I told you that I'm sorry. I invited you to come to New –"

"That's not gonna cut it!" she interrupted, anger flaring in her eyes again. "I was in real trouble tonight, and d'you know who I called? Dean. I knew you were in town and I still called Dean. And not only did he pick up the phone –which, if I recall correctly, was a big deal when _we_ were dating – but he actually came and got me, in the middle of the night! What do you think that means?"

"I don't know," Jess yelled back, forgetting that he had come here to apologise. "That his marriage isn't as perfect as everyone else's life in Stars Hollow? That you still see him as good old dependable Dean, your trusted buddy, ready to bail you out?"

Rory didn't say anything, she just walked back in and sat down on one of the packing boxes that were scattered across the room. Fidgeting with her bracelet, she looked at the floor. "Don't pretend like you know me, Jess. You've hardly talked to me over the past year, and I'm not even sure you knew me before that…" she said sadly.

Jess threw up his hands. "Fine, if you want to be like that. Just tell me this one thing." He sat down on the ground in front of her so she couldn't avoid looking at him, and took her hand in his.

"Do you love him like you love me?"

Rory stood up, pulling her hand back quickly as if he was a rabid animal that could attack her at any moment. "I told you, I don't love you!" she snapped.

"That's a load of crap, and you know it -"

"It's not! I love Dean!" she retorted quickly, and immediately clapped her hand over her mouth in shock. What had she said? Did she even mean it, or did she just want to hurt Jess like he had hurt her? Everything was so messed up… She couldn't even hear herself think.

"Yeah well, you can't have Dean, remember?" Jess spat. "Guess you'll have to settle for me. Too bad I'm not one for settling," he added bitterly, and turned on his heel. He swung his bag back over his shoulder and walked out.

For the second time in one night, Rory broke down in tears as her former boyfriend walked away and out of her life. For good this time, she was sure of that, Rory thought as she swallowed her tears. She had hurt him too badly this time, and it hadn't been nearly as gratifying as she thought it would be. She hadn't even meant to, not really, but she couldn't help herself. It was something he brought out in her… This passion.

Suddenly and without thinking what exactly it was that she was doing, Rory ran to the window and threw it open. It was pouring outside, and she could barely see Jess in the darkness. He was heading for his car, his black leather coat glimmering with rain drops under the street light.

"Jess!" she screamed. He kept walking. Without even remembering to put her coat on, Rory tore out of her room. She couldn't let him leave like this. She had no idea what she was going to tell him, but she knew that it couldn't let it end this way between them.

By the time she'd reached the car, she was soaked. Jess was already in the car, turning the key in the ignition and showing no sign of noticing her. Rory rolled her eyes. He was _not_ going to drive off before her eyes a second time. Her hands placed on her hips defiantly, she stood in the beam of the headlights. She could barely make out anything through the blinding lights and the wet strands of hair clinging to her face, but she could see Jess opening the door on the passenger side.

Rory quickly crawled in, out of breath from running and drenched from head to toe.

"Don't go," she breathed. She couldn't believe she was saying and doing all of this without thinking, but somehow it felt right…

"Why not? There's nothing left here for me, Rory," he replied in his usual tired tone. The next moment, he felt her wet lips on his, kissing him deeply.

When she pulled back she said, so softly that it was barely more than a whisper: "There's me…" For a second, he looked thrown.

"Rory, you just said that you love Dean -"

"I was angry and I said things without thinking them through," she interrupted. Jess gave her a little smile but his eyes looked sad.

"Things you say without thinking are usually the truth," he said calmly. He turned the ignition off and leaned back with a sigh. Rory followed his example, turning her head to the side to look at him

"Look, Jess… The truth is that I just don't know. I've had a really busy year and I haven't given my love life that much thought. But you were out of my life, I thought we were through and lately Dean and I have been getting closer again, and…" She brushed some wet strands of hair out of her eyes and let out a deep breath. "I don't know. Everything is just complicated…"

Jess turned his head to face her and frowned. "I think I asked the wrong question before. I asked you if you love him like you love me. Maybe I should've asked you if you could ever love me as much as you love him…"

"Honestly? I don't know, Jess. Too much has happened…"

"I know I can't make up for how much I hurt you. But maybe we can get a fresh start? Wipe the slate clean?" he said hesitantly. Now it was Rory's time to smile.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done to Jess Mariano?" she joked. He gave her a little smile and shrugged.

"Let's just say I read a good book lately." He pointed at the book sticking out of the open glove compartment in front of Rory. She couldn't suppress a giggle when she read the name on the cover.

"A self help book? Seriously?" she laughed. "Huh, and here I thought those things never worked… But here you are, living proof!" He smiled back.

"Yeah, I'm a regular poster boy for dr. Phil, but don't tell anyone. I wouldn't wanna lose the reputation I have in Stars Hollow," he said sarcastically. He felt a lot calmer now, and he had a sneaking suspicion that he owed that completely to hearing Rory laugh. It was like a magical cure to him.

"So;;; D'you think we can? Start over I mean? Only if you want to, though," he added quickly. "I don't want you to settle for me because you can't have Dean."

"I think," Rory said, weighing her words carefully, "I think that maybe you were right. I think I have been clinging to my friendship with Dean because he was always a safe choice, being married, and because I was scared to move forward. So much had already changed this year, and I think that perhaps I was holding on to something familiar, knowing that it couldn't progress into something more," she said softly. This was the first time she'd put all of this in words, but she felt that it was true.

"Are you sure?" he asked, looking at her thoughtfully as if he could see right through her. He always does that, she thought, and she smiled.

"Why don't you make my doubts disappear?" she replied even softer than before, but with her eyes lighting up again with that twinkle he'd missed so much. He smiled back at her and then she was kissing him again. They seemed to stay that way forever, her lips touching his softly but passionately, her hands tangled in his hair while his own hand cupped her cheek and brushed it slowly.

Finally, he pulled back and stared at her again. Her face was covered with wet strands of brown hair and her mascara had run out and left two trails across her cheeks. He grinned. "Anyone ever tell you you look gorgeous?"

"I'm not, I'm a mess," she replied, half-giggling, half-moping. She quickly brushed the remaining strands of hair out of her face.

"I don't think you've ever looked more beautiful," he said simply, before claiming her lips once more.

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The sharp ringing of her cell phone pierced through Rory's ears. Blinking, she glanced at the screen and sighed when she saw the caller id.

"Rory, where is my blue denim skirt?"

"Hi mom, nice to hear from you too. You do know it's 2am, right?" Rory said as she fell back and rubbed her arm over her eyes. "I'm guessing you're not needing the skirt at this particular moment?"

"No, I'm picking out something to wear for tomorrow. That way, I can assemble a decent outfit while I'm still alert, I can sleep for five extra minutes in the morning, ánd I don't have to think coherently when I get up. Why, you weren't asleep, were you?" Rory could hear her mother shuffle chairs as she rambled. "It's 2am, shouldn't you be studying?"

"Funny," Rory said, stifling a yawn. "Did you look in your closet?"

"Of course I didn't, why would –" Lorelai replied instantly, but fell silent immediately.

"It was in the closet, wasn't it?" Rory asked. She could almost hear her mother roll her eyes and she smiled to herself. "So, why exactly was that skirt a necessary excuse to call me? Are you very very bored?"

"No, and hey, I'm insulted. I'm really picking out clothes. I can't come to Yale tomorrow looking like your sloppy, topsy-turvy mother!"

"But you _are_ my sloppy, topsy-turvy mother," Rory answered affectionately, "and I love you for it. Now be good and go to sleep, okay?" She said goodnight to the mother and hung up.

"Your mom?" Jess asked, ad she nodded. The two of them were snuggled up together on the sofa, one of the only pieces of furniture left in Rory's suite.

"Yep, she's coming to pick me up and bring home the last of my stuff in the morning. It completely slipped my mind," she replied. Jess gave her a wry smile.

"That probably means that I have to be gone by then, right?" he asked her. Rory shifted a bit so she could look him in the eyes. She looked hopeful.

"Not necessarily. Maybe, if she sees you and we just try to explain what happened, she'll-"

"Shoot me on sight?" Jess interjected. She giggled.

"Well, yeah, probably," she answered him. She bit her lip and thought about it. There was absolutely no way her mom was going to be okay with this…

"I meant what I said," Jess said suddenly, breaking the silence that had filled the room. "You could come to New York with me. I'm going back and the offer stands." He noticed the frown on Rory's face and pulled her closer. "Don't you see Rory, we could really start over. You wouldn't have to live in that craphole I've been living in, we could get our own place and we wouldn't have to worry about what anybody else thinks."

"Since when do you care about what anybody thinks?" Rory retorted with a big grin. "You ever have, so you could easily stay in Stars Hollow… Right?" Jess just gave her a meaningful look and she let out a deep sigh. "I know, stupid suggestion but I don't know what other options we have. I love it here, you hate it…"

"So come with me." Jess said quickly.

"Jess… This is my life, I can't just walk away from it. This…" she signalled from the room itself to the window, where they could see one of the bell towers of the Yale buildings gleaming in the orange glow of the street lights, "is everything I've worked for my whole life."

Silence fell between them again and for a while they just lay together, his fingers lazily combing through her hair. Finally, Jess spoke up.

"This is not gonna work, is it?" he said slowly.

"No," she replied softly. "I guess this really is goodbye. We just drew it out a little longer." She let out a deep breath that sounded like she was resigning to a fate that neither of them could avoid.

She pulled Jess closer to her and held him tight. In a way she felt like she'd learned more in the last couple of hours than she had learned in an entire year at Yale. She'd learned that people can really change. She'd learned that sometimes it's smarter not to think things through but to act and to do what your heart tells you to. And she'd learned to say goodbye…

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End file.
